I became interested in sex and masturbation at a very young age and I’ve always felt that I have very heightened sexual energy. The problem is, I’ve had a hard time finding guys who share the same intensity about it as I do. I always end up being the one who needs it more often, and past boyfriends have even labeled me as “sex obsessed.”
I have been dating a guy for several months and the sex has been great so far. At the beginning of the relationship, we would jump each other every chance we got, but lately the sex has become less and less frequent. I'm scared to tell him that I want it more because I really enjoy spending time with him and I’m afraid he will judge me. I don't want to seem like a “nympho”—another thing I have been called in the past.
Am I really too obsessed with having sex? How do I approach the situation without scaring my boyfriend away?
Okay, here’s the deal Carrie.
I talk about sex for a living. I receive hundreds of sex questions from people every day, because sex is is a topic that is on everyone’s minds. I sell sex toys on my website that help people satisfy themselves whether they're with a partner or alone. So if wanting lots of sex makes you a “nympho” or sex-obsessed, then all these people must also be sex addicts! And guess what, Carrie? They’re definitely not—and more importantly, neither are you.
It is completely healthy and normal to want sex frequently. Our bodies and brains crave pleasure, and the fact that you’re so in touch with what you want is fantastic, so please drop the labels.(better sex)
It sounds to me like you and your partner have mismatched libidos—a term you’ve heard me talk about many times if you listen to my show. When it comes to long-term relationships, it’s totally natural for one person to want sex more often than the other. The fact that it’s usually you does not mean that you’re the problem. This is actually a common dynamic for couples, to have sexual needs that rise and fall over time.
As we get comfortable in relationships, people are always so surprised that the hot and heavy sex they were having in the beginning of the relationship tends to wane. But when the honeymoon stage of a relationship is over, it’s absolutely normal for your sex habits and needs to change—individually and as a couple.
Because you’ve been shamed about your burning desires in the past, I think it makes perfect sense that you’re carrying this anxiety around. But here’s my promise to you and to all the ladies out there: If you’re horny, you’re healthy.(sex advice)
In reality, women are just as sexual as men, but we are often judged for expressing ourselves when our openness and self-empowerment makes other people (usually men) too uncomfortable. There is still an obsession with women’s purity and virginity, and an expectation that we’ll sit back and let the men lead the way in the bedroom.
We’ve come a long way culturally when it comes to women and sex. Thanks to our fearless feminist foresisters and the sexual revolution of the ‘60s and ‘70s, we have learned to embrace our bodies, expect an orgasm, and not feel shame for wanting it. But as you can see, there’s still a lot of negative stigma around women and their sexuality.
Now let’s strategize how you can talk to your guy about what’s going on. I think the direct approach will empower you—try saying something like, “I’ve noticed lately that I seem to want sex more often than you do. Have you noticed that, too?”
Ask him if he’s been wanting sex less often, because you would definitely like to have more. Make sure you mention that you think it’s O.K. that you don’t have the exact same sex drive, but that you’d like to find a middle ground that will satisfy you both. Maybe there’s a better time of day for him? Something new he’d like to try? Whatever the reason, rest assured that your needs and desires are valid and normal, and are every bit as important as his.
I definitely think this conversation is going to be great practice for you. You’re so lucky to be starting these habits now while you’re dating and getting to know yourself and your needs. Sex talks like this will help you develop skills that will serve you greatly in future relationships—like confidence and the ability to trust yourself.