One of the most essential parts of a healthy sex life actually has nothing to do with sexual positions or techniques. It doesn’t depend on well endowed you are or your endurance. Instead, it has to do with how much time, energy and attention you’re willing to dedicate to your partner and her needs. In other words: how hard do you work to warm her up during foreplay.
“Foreplay allows a person to feel sought after, desired and wanted. It also allows a person to desire, want, even need their partner. It has been called the ‘sexiest’ part of sex,” sexologist and sexuality educator, Lisa Hochberger says. “Foreplay represents the part of the sexual script where partners are pleasing one another. Learning what feels good, great, even euphoric and learning what does not. It is the part of the sexual experience that allows a couple to grow closer and connect on a physical and emotional level.”(sex advice)
And while you might not always need a little somethin’ somethin’ to get your engine running and ready to charge, foreplay is especially important for women to get themselves in the mood and ultimately, reach climax. “It takes women a longer amount of time to experience pleasure and women’s bodies are different than men’s bodies. For women, genital response is not necessarily a measure of her desire,” Hochberger says.
“Unlike men, a woman's genitals may respond to a variety of stimuli. A woman might show signs that she is lubricating, her genitals swollen and vagina lengthened and she will tell you she is not aroused. Conversely, she may show no signs of lubrication, her genitals flaccid and she will tell you that she is ready to go. That being said, many times a man will mistake a women for being ready for sex because her vulva is lubricated. That is simply not the case. For many women, their favorite part of sexual experiences is the build up leading to it.”
To make sure you’re giving her the best experience possible, it’s important to know what moves really work and ones that are a waste of your (and her) time. Here’s what experts say women hate during foreplay.
1. It Doesn’t Last Long Enough:
Because women are more intricate with their desire and most of the time, more complicated to get off, you might get bored, frustrated or just plain impatient when it comes to foreplay. Hochberger explains that’s when it’s time to dig in your heels, roll up your sleeves and not rush the process. “If you want to make your sexual experiences last longer, extending foreplay can be really helpful. For some women, it can take a long time to achieve orgasm or heightened amounts of pleasure when sexual intercourse is rushed,” she says. “Foreplay is something that should be enjoyed for extended period of times so that both parties involved can build up arousal and desire. This is a good technique for a man to use on a female partner who takes longer than him to achieve orgasm.”
2. You Forget The Little Things:
While going down on her for an extended period of time is definitely a workout (and something she’ll appreciate, of course) - there are other ways to incorporate foreplay into every part of your relationship, both inside and outside of the bedroom. “Foreplay can range from holding hands at dinner, gazing into your partner’s eyes to kissing your partner’s ear lobes. Many people do not understand the full extent of what foreplay can be,” Hochberger says. “The body has a variety of erogenous zones, and nothing is sexier to a woman than when their partners caresses, kisses and touches those places. Don’t shoot for the stars right away, remember slow and steady wins the race.”
3. You’re Simply Checking Off To-Do Lists:
One big misconception for both sexes regarding sex as a whole is seeing the whole experience in stages. It’s like that childhood rhyme that begins with ‘First comes love, then comes marriage’ - and just like you’ve learned with nearly everything in your life, sex doesn’t always fall in a specific order. “ Women as well as men tend to see sex in stages, foreplay, sex and after-play. This just helps them compartmentalize sex. Sex needs to be seen instead as one event that encompasses many types of behaviors,” says Kelly J. Connell M.S.Ed., C.A.S.H.S.E, sexuality educator, counselor and consultant and sex educator. “It is OK to stop penetration and go back to fingering, manual stimulation, oral sex or whatever other behaviors a couple finds pleasurable.”
4. You’re Not Communicating:
If you can’t read her mind, she can’t read yours either. And not only when it comes to predicting she’s about to get upset over you forgetting to take out the trash again, but with your sex life, too. Explaining and guiding one another through your pleasure zones will make you feel more connected, intimate and aroused. “How are you suppose to know if a woman is ready, if you go in for the ‘kill’ without asking if she is ready and or what is feeling good to her,” Hochberger explains. “Just because a woman is lubricated doesn’t mean she is ready for sex and just because a woman’s vulva isn’t lubricated doesn’t mean she isn’t ready for sex. Communicate. If your partner is not fully lubricated ask her if you can gently massage some lube in her vulva before you begin internal vaginal stimulation.”
5. You’re Not Learning Over Time:
When you’re in a relationship for a long period of time, you’re bound to learn certain specifics about your partner: how they take their coffee, how they like to sleep at night, what things really, really get on their nerves and what gestures make them happy. You should apply the same education to your sexual routine. If you simply keep doing the same things over and over during foreplay but they’re not working, it’s time to apply the lessons and improve. “Men often treat the clitoris like a mark on a piece of paper and their finger as the eraser and just try to rub it away,” Connell says. “That can make foreplay seem like an eternity. Encourage your girlfriend to tell you and show you how she likes to be touched and aroused and pay attention.”
6. You’re Not Using Your Penis And Fingers Effectively:
If you’re past the age of 16 and you graduated college, you have no excuse to not also up your sexual skills, too. If you’re only using your penis to jab at her, without actually learning how to help her get turned on with your shaft, then it’s time to learn, stat. “Mindless and endless poking (or worse) jamming of the fingers into the vagina. I distinctly remember someone quipping in a group, ‘It's like the same way you poke something with a stick to see if it's dead or not.’ It's a mental image that has stayed with me ever since,” counselor E.J. Smith, M.S., NCC, LPC explains. “The endless jamming also seems to indicate a race to the finish. I would encourage men to slow down and enjoy the experience. Think about the things you try to do with your penis—the areas you try to stimulate — and recreate those same movements with your finger or fingers. The beauty of the fingers is that they are more precise and flexible, so you can stimulate areas (like the almond-shaped G spot) with your fingers with more ease.”