I don’t know whether you’ve heard, but the Olympics is on. It’s not been mentioned that much, I don’t think. Just for context, it’s that show that’s been making you feel guilty about eating those nachos every evening. Yeeahh. That one! Whilst Michael Phelps is making us all feel really bad about skipping arm day to go to a beer garden, we thought we’d celebrate some guilt-free records that should be featured in the olympics if the committee would just loosen up. Gents, standing ovation for the athletes please – this is the weird world of sex world records.
1. Longest Masturbation Session:
Lord knows if we were granted unlimited free time we could all be masturbating until the cows come home, but Masanobu Sato has somehow managed to make that dream a reality. Sato, from Japan, holds the world record for the longest wank ever: in 2009 he set the record with 9 hours and 33 minutes, but in 2010 he managed to hang on an extra 25 minutes to break his own record with 9 hours and 58 minutes, which is the epitome of life goals if we ever did see it.
Dutch TV show Metropolis paid Sato a visit to find out exactly what it takes to become a wank champion, and I’ll bet they wished they’d never pulled at that thread. Sato’s day begins with a two hour tug on his favourite beanbag chair as his cat watches, and it doesn’t really get much better from there.(sex advice)
Amazingly, Sato lives with his girlfriend – I bet that fact is making everyone feel pretty bad about themselves right now – who helps him to maintain his title by timing his masturbatory sessions whilst she makes dresses on her sewing machine about three feet away. We’re still not sure if Sato has an actual job or whether he literally hand-shandies the day away, but you know what they say – find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. We envy you, Mr. Sato.
2. Most Frequent Sex:
Everyone has one of those friends that, if you’ve done something, they’ve done it twice as much. If you’ve had sex twice in one night, they’ve done it five, and managed to kick your arse at Fifa somewhere in between. If that’s the case with one of your mates, maybe introduce him to this little guy. Your mate’s penis has got nothing on the Ornebius aperta.
The Australian cricket may be hideous – seriously, disgustingly hideous – but it somehow has a way with the ladies. We don’t know what kind of energy drinks these horny little bastards are consuming but research shows that they can somehow copulate more than 50 times in a period of three to four hours and, if you manage to get really really close to one, you can hear them boasting mercilessly about it. I can only imagine the amount of chafing issues that are arising for both parties from all this extreme love making.
Research conducted in the Royal Society Journal’s Biology Letters discovered that this “extreme repeated mating” was developing as a reaction to female-imposed limits – which, in this case, is the fact that the female cricket removes the sperm after ejaculation and immediately eats it. Of course she does, the filthy minx.
3. The Longest and Smallest Penises:
Because measuring penises is often hard to do accurately – yes, we know you exaggerate – there isn’t much reliable data on this topic for the 21st century. The most impressive medically verified penis sets the sex record at 13.5 inches (34 cm) long and 6.25 inches (16 cm) wide, measured in the early 20th century by Dr. Robert L. Dickenson (seriously!).
The smallest penis ever recorded sets the sex record at 0.39 inches (1 cm). There are a couple of conditions that can leave a man lacking so dramatically in his nether region. One such condition is having a micropenis, where most of the penis actually resides inside the body. The other is a condition called congenital hypoplasia, where the glans of the penis is attached directly to the pubis, so the shaft of the penis doesn’t exist.
On the other, erm, hand, having a humungous penis may sound like the dream, but for those who actually possess one the opposite seems to be true. That’s exactly how Roberto Esquivel Cabrera feels about his penis, which reportedly measures an eye-watering 18.9 inches long, with a tip circumference of 10 inches.
Roberto was in the news when he let celeb new site TMZ film him trying to weigh his penis on a set of kitchen scales, more commonly used for measuring out ingredients for cakes. He wanted to prove that his penis was real so he could 1) get disability allowance on account of his huge peen being an occupational hazard; and 2) get recognition from Guinness World Records. In that order. Whilst an official at the World Record Academy has already certified that he currently holds the world record for the longest penis, our boy Roberto is holding out for that Guinness World Record recognition. Might be waiting a while…
4. Farthest Ejaculation:
We're not sure how this came to be (how do you decide THIS is what you want to be remembered for?), but we can't help but imagining a bunch of teenage boys at a sleepover... Boy No. 1: "Mike, I've had enough of the Olympics, turn it off!" Boy No. 2: "Hey I've got an idea! Let's show the world the REAL Olympics!" Insanity ensues (not to mention lots of laundry).
There's some speculation as to how much and what exactly you'd need to eat to muster the amount of sperm needed to ejaculate across a room, but somehow the American Horst Schultz set a world record of 18 feet (6 m). And no, we're not sure who the judging body was. In case you're wondering, the farthest a woman was recorded to ejaculate was 10 feet (3 m).
5. Longest Kiss:
Makeout sessions are super fun but if it comes with instructions and one of those instructions is “incontinence pads or adults nappies are not allowed” it really does take all the fun out of it. This is just one in a long list of rules that were applied when Ekkachai and Laksana Tiranarat snogged for an insane 58 hours, 35 minutes and 58 seconds.
Other rules included “the couple must be awake at all times,” which would pretty much disqualify me within the first hour or so, also “the contestants must stand during the attempt and cannot be propped together by any aids, such as pillows, cushions, or people.” I mean, how awful? Standing up for 58 hours is so boooring. Although if you need two people to keep your faces together whilst you passive aggressively kiss one another, that’s a bit depressing, isn’t it?
There are so many questions that come with this record: like, would you rather kiss your partner for 58 hours, or someone that you’d be okay hating for a few months afterwards? Because you’re not going to want to see that face for a while if you’ve been on it for two and a half days non-stop. Also, how do you have enough saliva production for that? Also would it disqualify you if you consented to someone pushing a pepperami into your mouth through the kissing gap? Just asking for a friend.
6. Strongest Vagina:
Promise me one thing: if you’re ever lucky enough to have sex with Tatyana Kozhevnikova don’t say anything stupid. Just… just keep your mouth shut. Ms Kozhevnikova has a vagina you don’t wanna mess with. This woman could crush a coke can with her goddamn pelvis. Kozhevnikova, who was featured on E4 programme The Body Shocking Show, found that after having a baby her intimate areas were significantly weakened.
So, after reading a book on Dao, she became inspired by the ancient women using wooden balls to deal with the issue and inserted a Murano glass ball into her vagina. Oh Tatyana, not the best Murano glass. We save that for special occasions! Anything but the Murano glass! Now she uses proper weights to train her vagina, and can currently lift a 14kg kettlebell with her nethers. Talk about #fitspiration.