Quick: Close your eyes, take a moment and think about the best sex of your life. While you might think back to a really ridiculously sexy one-night stand you had fresh out of college, other men might consider the best sex of their life to be with their wife, where a more intimate, personal connection was made. Though, generally speaking, a healthy, happy sex life means both partners are satisfied and happy — regardless of what kink (or lack of kink) gets them going, the real truth is that sex isn’t the same for women as it is for you.
“It is a fairly commonly known fact that sex is often emotional for women, where it is more physical for men. This is not to say this is always the case, but each person is coming at the act and situation with their own needs and expectations,” psychologist Dr. Nikki Martinez says. “Where a woman might feel like good sex was feeling very connected to her partner, her partner might feel that good sex is both individuals coming to a climax.”
If you want to ensure that the time you spend together getting it on under the sheets is not only a good experience for her, but a great one — it’s important to know what women judge when it comes to performance. And well, what will leave them dying to brag about that-awesome-thing-he-did to her girlfriend over mimosas at brunch.(sex advice)
If you want to know what women consider good sex, here’s what experts say matters the most to the ladies:
1. Good Sex Starts Before You Get Naked:
Colleen Singer, sex commentator and expert says that while most men have figured out that foreplay is the key to a killer orgasm for most women (more on that later) — what most don’t realize is that women need to be teased, admired and flirted with long before clothes end up in a pile on the floor. She calls this “mental lubrication” — and it quite literally means that: just like you enjoy the visuals you see from porn or the dirty Snapchat she sends your way mid-day, women need to know (and feel) just how turned on you are by them and how much you want to please them. “Arousal for a woman often starts long before she is consciously aware it is happening. She is turned on by a look. By a statement. By his wit,” she explains. “Seduction is an art form, and requires effort. It demands focus on her. She wants to feel important. She wants to matter. She wants to feel desired.”
How can you do this? The next time you have a very X-rated thought of her, take it down to the R rating and then type it out to her. You could say something like: “When I think about those black panties you wore on our last vacation, I get hot thinking about how beautiful and sexy you looked that night. Can’t wait to see you later.” Or maybe when you’re at dinner and she gets up to go to the bathroom, you shoot her a sexy text that describes what she’s wearing and how you’re dying to unzip the back of her dress. Start with her mind and you’ll end up with all of her body.
2. Good Sex Includes Kissing:
Though it might seem like quite a long time ago that making out with someone seemed like the hottest thing ever, there’s something about locking lips that has a way of building intimacy. And for women, good sex isn’t just about how well your bodies glide together or a special place you touch her: It’s how you make eye-to-eye contact and make her feel. It might seem obvious that to be good in bed you have to be good at kissing, but as Singer explains, many men discount just how key it is to being a thoughtful, unselfish partner.
“Men need to put a lot of energy and attention into really kissing their lovers. And not just a bit of quick wet kissing in bed as a gesture of foreplay,” she explains. “Kiss her against the wall, kiss her in the shower and be sure to kiss something besides her mouth: nape of her neck, her ankles, her wrists. Kissing unlocks most women’s passion, plus establishes the emotional connection that is so important for satisfaction.” Think of it like a first kiss that you're really trying to nail.
3. Good Sex Involves Communication:
Just like you’ve learned that not all women are turned on by the same things, not everyone communicates the same way in the bedroom. But to have the kind of good sex that will keep her always excited to see you — and get naked with you — you need to create an environment within your sex life that lends itself to being open and honest. Therapist Dawn Michael, Ph.D., ACS, CSC, says this will make your sex life instantly more exciting because you’re both willing to verbalize your needs. “Open communication is so important when having great sex and being comfortable to talk about sex in general,” she explains. ”You need to learn how to communicate with each other, both verbally and nonverbally.”
Relationship expert and therapist Esther Boykin echoes Michael, saying, “Women like a partner who is willing to pay attention to her verbal and nonverbal cues during sex and adjust accordingly,” she adds. “When you're able to notice and respond to her feedback it not only shows that you're interested in her pleasure but it also reinforces the idea that you are in sync with each other, which is good for sexual and relationship satisfaction.”
4. Good Sex Is Playful:
No one likes the same ol’, same ol’ routine in any part of their life — and when it comes to sex, variety is really what keeps the passion and desire growing. Boykin notes that to have a great sex life that makes her happy (and you, of course!) — you can’t take it so seriously that you take away the genuine playfulness that comes with making love. The only key to remember is to keep it light-hearted, but not childish. (Sorry bro, baby talk has no place in the bedroom.) One way to do this is with dirty talk. “Talking during and about sex increases satisfaction and generally makes sex better for women in relationships,” she explains. “Talk to her about what feels good, laugh when something funny happens during the course of sex, and don't be afraid to engage in some sexy talk throughout the day.”
Singer adds that being playful also means that you’re able to take control and make it well, a little dramatic. But in the way that will really turn on a woman: “Many heterosexual women want to be given pleasure at the hands of a man who is confident, capable, and passionate,” she explains. “In essence, she wants to just let go. She wants to trust, release, and just be sexual, sensual, and feminine.”